Things Your Mum Will Never Talk To You About

There are certain things mums just refuse to tell us. I think they should! It's important.

1.  Which one is the Right Hole.

I think mom's should sit their daughters down and explain to them about their female anatomy. It is so important. I know for a fact that most moms i know just brush aside the whole issue or shall i say the "Hole" issue. I just want to know how many holes there are and which one goes where. I mean you know what i mean. I am not talking about the embarrassing conversation mom's have with us when we get our periods.  I really mean it. Let your girls and boys know about it.

2.  YOUR PARTNER CAN NEVER BE LIKE YOUR FATHER

I wish moms told us this. How can you expect your partner to love you like your father does. Your father is different as a father and different as a partner. Don't expect your husband or bf to be as caring and sensitive as your father cos i bet that your father is an asshole to your mom at times but YOUR MOM WON'T TELL YOU!  

3. How to be Manipulative and read into double meanings

You mom def needs to teach you how to be manipulative. Yup True. Women need to be manipulative to survive. You need to be manipulative with your Bf/ Husband/ Mother-in-law/ Extended Family and many more people. I think mothers should give us a crash course on this. This shocks the hell out of us when we get into a new relationship or have to deal with difficult people. Don't take things at face value. 

Example :

Mother-in-law : " Is everything ok with my son..?"

Meaning : " Did you upset him..?"

( depends on case to case basis)

4.  Every woman needs to stay alone to become Independent and Understand her self-worth

I think mom's need to throw us out of the house to fend for ourselves. If not we just simply get sold like sheep. At least the asian women do. The one phrase common in an Indian household is " Don't do it here..do it when you go to husband's house"... There is nothing such as " Do it at your husband's house.." - This simply means...you will never get to do it. You need to stay alone to discover your own individuality and understand you self-worth. True. You need to stay alone and learn how to live on your own and live your life on your own terms. Trust me its not the same staying at your parent's place. 

Next time your mom says - " Do it at your husband's place..."...Look into your mom's eyes and let her know...that she is doing a lot of things to keep her husband happy..but is she happy herself? Learning is both ways!

5. How to make a good cup of coffee or Tea.

I think mom's should def teach their daughters how to make a good cup of coffee or tea...at least for one person. You know why. Women are different from the entire human race. We are super strong but we all need a fuckin' cup of coffee/Tea in the morning to keep us going. Sometimes more than one but we need it...so please teach us how to make one for that extra kick! ;) Also - HAVE YOUR FIRST DRINK WITH YOUR MOM! Mom - please get drunk together...we have lots to bond over! ;)

When I was 85kgs

I was once 85kgs.

I hated going out.

I had friends 10 times more good looking than me.

I would go to a shop and pick out clothes XXL and they felt tight on me.

Whenever people said they loved me and their world revolved around me..i thought they were calling me the world.

Guys would check me out but only the really ugly ones. Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder..some people are truly ugly.

When cute guys checked me out - I knew they were checking me out cos i was like the WALL CLOCK to them - and remember..you never wear a wall clock on your wrists. They would see me and their faces would be filled with disgust.

I fell in love with a guy for 7 years and thought this was it but he was such a fucking good looker...I didn't want to become his sister so i never told him. This is what good looking guys do..tell them you like them and they will either say - "Sorry." or "You're my sister.."

I was as big as a bulldozer...buffalos spoke among themselves when they saw me...they felt better about themselves. 

I felt like if you ever flipped the dictionary and searched for "FAT"...my face would be there.

People could run marathons around me.

When i ran for the bus - i injured people around me.

When i didn't hold the handle on the bus and the bus jerked...i fell on a man a skinny man who almost died.

I felt like eating all of my friends' leftovers

Mc Donald's was my best friend..

I slept around with KFC...

Pizza Hut was my whore...

I once sat on a pony in australia and the pony stopped halfway during the ride and took a dump..

I started losing weight..

I lost 25kgs...

Clothes started fitting me..

I gained confidence...

Men started hitting on me..

I started smiling more often...

But i was very hungry...

Still very hungry....

I am a comfortable weight right now..

But inside..deep inside..I am still that FAT GIRL.

10 RIDICULOUS QUESTIONS/ THINGS PEOPLE SAY ABOUT SINGAPORE

1.  " OMG. WILL I GET JAILED IF I SPIT ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW."


ANSWER : " No, you will just look like an idiot for doing it for no apparent reason. Stupid.


2.  " OMG. I HAVE CHEWING GUM WITH ME RIGHT NOW. WILL THEY ARREST ME ? "


ANSWER : " No, Can you pass me one..."


3. " OMG. I HEARD GEYLANG IS THE RED LIGHT AREA...HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Answer : " Yes..my aunty stays there. No..she is not a whore. Geylang has residential area too.. its just a business like every other business..get over it lady and why don't you go choose the guy you are going to sleep with after you get drunk..and of cos..you won't charge.


4. "OMG..OMG...I want to go to that Swimming pool at Marina Bay Sands..THAT SWIMMING POOL ..gosh..is it really that high.."


Answer : " Yes..Enter the pool..take that picture everybody is taking..the one with the Singapore Sky-line in the background and then get off a minute later cos its just a pool. A NORMAL POOL.


5. : "OMG...I GOT INTO ATTICA..i heard there are really hot guys there.."

Answer : Yes. Its awesome. I love getting groped and rubbed while dancing so i go there too. Perfect.


6. " OMG OMG...I want to watch the F1 race!!!! Have you watched the F1 race?


Answer : No. I am Singaporean. While you are spending loads of money watching the F1 race..we carry on with life cos we are going to work..getting stuck in traffic jams and then going for our casual drinks. Enjoy.


7. "OMG..i want to so live in Singapore!!! I want to live the asian life..the amazing asian lifestyle..like try asian food wow..i am getting an apartment in Orchard!!!...

Answer : Bitch. Get a HDB in Geylang and live the amazing Singaporean lifestyle.


8. " OMG...I AM GOING TO CYCLE TO ORCHARD and then CYCLE BACK HOME...wow..only 40 mins...!"

Answer : Ya correct. Why don't you attach a 2 seater behind and ride a rickshaw instead..then you can earn some money too. Bitch, the MRT and BUS system is super efficient here. Cut the crap.


9. " OMG. I love going to sentosa every weekend for a tan..!"

Answer : " Sentosa is our disneyland..you don't go to disneyland everyday..".. Bitch please. Go to the botanical gardens and take pictures of flowers instead and don't forget to bring your bicycle. 


10. " OMG.....Homosexuals cannot kiss in this country..they cannot kiss?? They cannot..?"


Answer : "Get out of your house... and go to tanjong pagar and if that's not enough i have amazing gay friends who are giving you the WTF look as u say it.."

Indian Women being Stand-up Comedians : Difficult?

Someone recently asked me.. So Sharul, being an indian female..has it been difficult being a stand-up comedian. I looked at her and smiled. " I don't know babe..maybe not as difficult for those in India..i replied." I wouldn't know.

Indian women are profiled to be conservative and coy so when they see an indian female taking centre-stage and talking about things they don't expect her to talk about..they get shocked.
Some people say " Oh, she is getting laughs because of the shock value !" and some people say " Should she talk about that topic..what does she know about it?"...

I really wish sometimes they could just call the female comics just plain - Stand-up comedians. Many times if you watch shows..the emcee would make it a point to say.." The next comedian my friend is a woman...*Cheers*..yes..please put your hands together for Sharul Channa.." and then i go on and talk about having a big nose. Are they wrong at doing that? No. Not at all because there aren't many women in this business compared to the men.

What i cannot stand is those male chauvinist pigs who decide they need to come counsel you after the show..although that stopped happening to me 2 months after i started doing comedy. There are such pigs in the business itself too..like some fellow male comedians think they have to act smart and say shit like .." oh you woman you..why don't you just show your tits on stage and they will laugh..!" To which i usually reply.." Why don't you show yours since your mama fed you like a fucking pig when you were young.." It happens but that's a one off experience again. We have such amazing fellow comedians in the Singapore circuit..its been fantastic.

So the question remains..Is it difficult being an indian woman female comedian. Well- its rare..But we're tough. We have prob gone past the " Oh..if i contort my face this way..men will not find me attractive anymore or my eye-liner has not been drawn well phase and hence i won't get married blah blah blah.."

Female comedians are comedians too. Fullstop. Spelt out.
So - as long as we don't marginalize ourselves nobody can. Yup..we don't bother what others think about the laughs we get. As long as you can stand on stage and make a group laugh - you're funny. There is no gimmick there. We 're not going to get more laughs cos we are women so its not easy..in fact it can work against us..so we have to work harder..but again..we're just Stand-up comedians.

The only way being an INDIAN female stand-up comedian is going to benefit me is if you get me..some amazing chicken tikka after the show or a little bit of Salman khan on a kebab platter. That's about it. Get over it.

love love,

Sharul

Performing in Different Rooms - What is the difference?

Dear all,

This post is strictly comedians kind of material i think but its good for all to know this kind of information even if you're audience :)

I've often heard stand-up comedians say :

" Ughh...its the room..i don't know what went wrong."

You could be killing it in a certain room and then completely die in another. Does it make you a fantastic stand-up comedian one night and then a bad one on another. Well here is my take on it.

I mostly perform at Home club for Comedy Masala on tuesdays and then go back to perform at Home club for Kumar's Night on Thursdays. I could kill at Comedy Masala on a good day and then do decent at Kumar's Night. It's the same room! What is the difference then?

Thanks to the opportunities i have gotten to perform at different nights, i realize that most importantly the difference between a good stand-up comedian who consistently kills in different venues and one who is probably on a 50-50 chance is : Experience.

I know it sounds DUH - we know that! But why does it make a difference? The more stage time and experience you get in different kinds of rooms..you build the following skills which are important for a stand-up comedian to really know..

1. The ability to find out within 2 jokes what kind of audiences you have in the room - some audiences don't like sex jokes..some don't like to hear "random stories of a table that made a difference to your life". What are they responding to? Do they like audience interaction more? You have to build a rapport with them before you start a set..that's what i have realized. Talk to them!


2. The ability to practice the art of "spontaneity". Yes..you have done the jokes a million times..but how do you make them sound like you're doing it for the first time? I am guilty at this..i have before rushed my jokes cos I know them..the trick here is I might know them but THEY don't.

3. AUDIENCE INTERACTION
    Not all stand-up comedians are good at this art and i must say this is a difficult art to practice but it is nevertheless important to practice it. I have found gold material by blabbering on stage that i would have never otherwise found when i was cracking my head in my room. I have spoken to some professional stage up comedians who have given me the following advice or shared their experience
with me :

1 said : " I bring 50 percent of my joke on stage sometimes and find the other 50 percent while performing"

Another one said :  " If you are insulting the audience member for whatever reason during your act - be sure to balance the joke by complimenting them after." Keep it positive.


4. The more you do it the better you get. Don't ever say "NO' to stage time if its an open-mic.

I think its also important for the audience to know the difference between comedic actors and stand-up comedians. It's not the same. The lines have been blurred but don't be fooled. A stand-up comedian writes his or her own material and grows from experience and even if the professional ones have writers writing for them..they still have to alter the writing  to suit their style. Comedic actors are actors playing a role that is meant to be funny. They have a script and umpteen rehearsals and are not sharing their own lives with the audience. Stand-up comedians are baring their 'truth' or 'soul' to the audiences. They face the audiences and speak to them hence breaking the "fourth wall".

I am only 2 years into the stand-up comedy business and god bless its going well. These are just some of my own experiences i am sharing with you. Your experience could be different. Feel free to comment and share your experiences. :)


Have a great weekend!

Love,

Sharul Channa

10 Things About Me You Don't Need To Know

10 Things about me - you don't need to know. So if you think you don't want to know..please get off this blog and go do something more productive with your life.

1. I still buy cheap cotton panties from Toa Payoh - 3 for $1 and i dont like the hipster panties that girls say they like to wear..i love aunty panties cos they cover my love handles..so if you're a pervert..this is when you start wanking off over the thought of my sexy aunty panty.

2. I love wearing shorts at home that have at least one hole in them. I can't sleep if not. I think i am a beggar at heart.

3. I love going to the gurudwara ( sikh temple) especially because they have a red carpet there and i feel like a star when i walk there and my dream is to be checked out by the hottest guy..but there never is. Sucks. 

4. I am the kid who would press all the buttons on the lift before you got on. I still do it.

5. I dance harder and better at clubs when hot men are around so if i am not bringing the groove on when you're around.. you know why. 

6. I hate white light cos i hate people shifting their gaze from my eyes to my face..with some facial hair left once in a while.. it happens.. i am punjabi.

7. If you're talking about a topic which is not interesting..i smile a lot to compensate for my lack of understanding. I will also laugh when you laugh so that i make you feel better and my excuse for leaving a conversation is always..." I better go...i needed to talk to somebody"...that is short for "shut the fuck up you boring fuck"...

8.  I failed math during my "O" levels. I sucked at it. Judge me. NO NO Judge me...i think math has never helped my life one bit other than when i ask my bf.. " no tell me HOW MUCH...exactly HOW MUCH..do you love me..tell me..come one..."

9. I can't drive and I can't swim. Anyway if there is a tsunami situation..the cars get swept away too..so i think these two are a good combination.

10. My nose is really huge. Sometimes when i am washing my face..my fingers slip into my nose. It's tragic. It is.

So - these are 10 things about me you don't need to do. You got through it - Congratulations.

Have a great friday!

love love,

Sharul

Ways to deal with your boss

Is your boss a pain in the ass? Do you not like seeing his/her face and always wish it was friday so that you could get out of there? Well then - this post is for you. I hear from loads of people complaining about monday blues and most of them then go shopping on thursday to buy a nice outfit to make sure they are enjoying their weekend! How should you deal with the boss? I have never had a boss as such - only when i was in a telemarketing job...but my boss was a sweetheart cos he was never in the office. :)
Below are some ways you can deal them them.




1. Print out a picture of your boss and put it in a folder at home. If he/she has made you angry..come home and spit on the picture..stamp on it..and tell it off. You'll feel great!



2. If your boss is a female - be sure to compliment her at least once a day...a compliment a day will keep the bitch away. If he is a guy and above 50..please make sure you dress well..and pay attention to whatever he says...if you dont know how to 'act' to pay attention... imagine you are multiplying 50000 into 4.657 and then make that thinking face..ALWAYS works!  If he is below 50...women dress sexy and men...dress exactly like him cos then he will find some similarity with you and give you a fuckin raise!


3.  If your boss expects you to stay longer than the agreed 9am to 5pm and always makes sure he calls you in for a meeting at 4.50pm...tell the boss that you suffering from diarrhea which gets activated after 5pm and your medicine is a herbal one that is being brewed right now by your mom who really actually cares for you. If your colleague is about to take this advice..the following are the problems you can fake to get out of office at 5pm..

1. Diarrhea
2. Women : 365 days special period cramps
3. Night blindness after 5pm
4. Back problems..can't sit down for long
5. You have to take care of your aged dogs
6. Vomits when work exceeds a certain limit
7. Psychological problems like need sex at 5.30pm
8. Sore eyes : pour shampoo in eyes
9. Trip over the chair and you have dislocated your ankle . MC for 2 days = phuket holiday.

Be creative. Create your own.


4. If your boss is finding ways to pin point your work.. be extra extra nice and cry if you have to.

Boss : Sam i think you have missed out some details...

Sam : I have bought cupcakes for you sir.

OR


Boss : Sam  i think you have missed out some details...

Sam : *cries* I am sooooooooooooooooooooo sooooooooooo sorrry. ( runs out of office)



5. If your boss doesn't accept leave..tell him/her your sister is getting married ( print card from peace centre, very cheap..ask me for contact)  and you can also tell him that your mom is hindu muslim and your dad is chinese european so that way you have to celebrate all festivals and in the hindu calender itself there are festivals 365 days so leave is confirmed.



Thanks guys! Have a great thursday preparing for a great friday and then a great saturday and a sulky sunday preparing to see the boss on monday!


love love,

Sharul