Saturday, 20 June 2015

I am not a dirty girl.

I am not a dirty girl. Wait..i am not a girl anymore. Thanks for calling me a girl but what is dirty?
I 've recently heard people in their 50s come up to me and say - "I love your work sharul, you dirty naughty girl!" Hey..thanks for the compliment but what's with calling me dirty or naughty? What do you mean anyway? Is my face filled with mud or am i wearing soiled clothes? So then i figured. They mean i spew these bad words sometimes and might say some inappropriate things like for example : SEX. May i ask? Why is sex considered dirty in asian countries or why is it considered dirty anyway?
Don't you folks sit around your group of men and women and share these sex jokes during parties and laugh to yourselves. Then why is it wrong if i take the mic and tell a couple of sex jokes. To be completely honest, i hardly have any sex jokes but even if i did..EVEN if i did..why is it naughty?

I am no dirty girl. I thought i was when i was little. I thought it was wrong to even think of sex till the age of 18. Cause that's the legal age for many things..i thought one day when i turn 18..suddenly, it'll be ok to think of sex and all these thoughts would just gush into my mind cos they finally have permission to but till then..let me just control all these thoughts and not let them in. Suppression. I suppressed my sexual thoughts for the longest time. Of course i was human so when thoughts would enter this little sharul's head at the age of 14…she would close her eyes shut tight and start praying and then her thoughts would be a culmination of sexual positions and deities which would then lead to more guilt and suppression. Is it just me? Is it? No, its not. I am sure that millions of asian teenagers have been through the same.

Around that same age, i started liking a boy. Or i thought i liked him. It was  flowery imagination of singing around in a park with him and being a submissive little lady with household chores as responsibilities. I let myself indulge in these thoughts about him for years. So did i like him? No. I liked the scenarios i created around him in my head with him being my hero. Was he that hero? No. Did i have sexual thoughts about him? No. It was all emotional. So i emotionally developed and sexually became so much more suppressed. I didn't know why i had so much pent up frustrations in my body. My body was extremely hot and i don't mean it sexually again. You see? I had hormonal issues..pimples popped onto my face like it was some sort of 'pimples unite gathering'. Till today, my skin breaks out with these pimples. I have just learnt how to live with them now. I blame this sexual suppression for the cause of my bad skin. I do. No release.

It's weird cos we are never meant to enjoy our sexuality..boys or girls. Why don't we ? Why do we  get shy at the prospect of masturbation. Why don't we talk to our children and tell them that it is alright to feel these emotions. So many people out there go without being sexually active even after the age of 18 because they think its something they can live without. No. It's not! It is in our basic nature to be loved physically and enjoy our bodies. So am i dirty? No..i am not! I am absolutely healthy and i let myself be explored by my partner. So if i happen to talk about sex on stage someday and its a joke that happens to make people laugh..i will perform it! Cos its not dirty my friend, its life.

Thank you!


Sharul Channa

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